Perhaps the question
should be “Who do people see in you!” In a crowd of people, would
people pick you out as likely to be a Christian? I am going to make the
assumption that you are a Christian and that the desire of your heart is
to be a good representative of our Lord Jesus Christ. Is that true? Is
it really your desire that people around you be reminded of Jesus?
(Please take a few
seconds to examine your heart and make sure you can say yes to that!)
Now please think
seriously about the following questions and answers. (Actually you will
have to provide the answers to the first questions by yourself!)
Q.
Does the way you dress help people see Jesus in
you?
Q.
Does the way you talk help people see Jesus in
you?
Q.
Does the music you listen to help people see Jesus
in you?
Q.
Do the people you “hang out with” help people see
Jesus in you?
Please take a few
seconds to do some serious soul-searching as you answer the questions
and before you read on.
Now let’s consider these
things one-by-one. Please read these words thoughtfully and prayerfully.
Just ask the Lord how He might want you to respond to these thoughts.
The Way You Dress
The issue of how
Christians dress touches on the larger issue of sexual temptation and
lust. There is a lot of confusion about these things, so let’s tackle it
head-on.
Q.
Why is
lust so bad?
A.
God
created us to have a strong desire for Him. To understand that
relationship of strong desire He has for us and wants us to have for
Him, He created marriage so that a husband and wife can express strong
desires for each other. These God-given desires of a husband and wife
for each other are meant to portray our desires for God. That’s why He
created marriage and speaks of it in the Bible as an object lesson
picturing our relationship with Him. (Ephesians 5:31-32)
When we transfer those godly desires to things of this world or to
people who are not our spouses, it perverts the purpose for which God
made us to have strong desires. It turns us away from God.
Not only that, but God has created us in such a way that when we begin
to lust after things and people besides Him (and, if we are married, the
spouse He gave us), we cannot function fully as a normal and healthy
person. Lust often leads to things like addiction to pornography,
intense dissatisfaction with life, self-hatred, ugly egotism and egoism,
breakups of marriages and homes, etc.
Q.
How do men
and women differ in their lust problems?
A.
Most men
are tempted to lust by what they see. That’s why pornography is a
multi-billion dollar business. That’s also why the advertising industry
often uses women who dress scantily, show their thighs, wear low-cut
blouses and dresses, etc. Men walking down the street who pass a woman
wearing a shorter skirt or a low-cut top will often find it difficult to
turn their eyes away. (Some women have been trained to be flattered by
this, even though they are enticing men to sin!) That’s how men are
created. Of course, God intends for that attention to be directed only
to the man’s wife in order to portray the intense attraction He has for
us and wants us to have for Him.
(There are a few exceptions to this fact. A few men, sometimes because
of early childhood experiences, do not seem to be tempted by the way
women dress. But these men are in a very small minority.)
Women seem to be more tempted by what they hear than by what they
see. That’s why the guys who are the “Don Juan types” learn
quickly how to say words that will entice girls to do what they want.
Many girls do not have a good sense of the degree of deception some guys
use. The girl badly wants to believe what she hears, even though the guy
is being very selfish and very dishonest. Her judgment is impaired and
she pays a high and painful price.
Q.
Since men
are tempted to lust by what they see, does this mean that women who
dress to be sexy are to blame when men lust after them?
A.
Men cannot
blame women for the sin of lust, no matter how the woman is dressed. We
read in the Bible how Job made a covenant with his eyes to avoid the sin
of lust (Job 31:1). We read how Joseph ran from the presence of
Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39:12). Jesus placed the responsibility for
controlling lust squarely on the man (Matthew 5:28).
Q.
So if
women “feel ok about it,” may they dress as they please, let the chips
fall where they may, and decide it’s a “man problem?”
A.
Even
though Jesus requires a man be totally responsible for controlling his
tendency to lust after what he sees, at the same time, Jesus severely
warned us about not becoming “stumbling blocks” (occasions for others to
be tempted to sin). There is a Greek word used in the Bible (skandalon)
that is usually translated by the word “offence” in the KJV. But it
literally means “an occasion to be tempted to sin.” It’s the word Jesus
used in Matthew 18:7. It’s also used in Romans 14:13, 1 John 2:10, and
Revelation 2:14. For example, most Christians would agree that not only
is it wrong to use drugs, it is also wrong to tempt someone else to use
them.
Most women find it impossible to identify in any real way with the
degree to which most men are enticed to the sin of lust by the way women
dress. On this topic, they must rely on the counsel of older godly women
or of godly men whom they trust—perhaps a godly dad.
An illustration might help. Suppose the doctor has put you on a very
strict diet. He has said, “You have some serious health problems. For
the next year, you MUST cut out all sugar and sweets from your diet.”
You find yourself craving something sweet. About that time, someone
comes into the room with a huge, delicious-looking chocolate nut brownie
sundae. It looks great. It smells great. You want it so badly! And they
say, “Look at this! Doesn’t this look good? Wouldn’t you like to have
it? But you know you can’t have it! I just thought I would enjoy
tempting you!”
Some women dress immodestly out of pressure from the world. They want to
dress like the stars in the movie and music industries. Many of these
stars are very ungodly people. But there is great pressure to want to be
like them. Others just want to “be like the other girls.” Some are
probably genuinely naïve about how their revealing clothing might be
affecting men (although brief consideration of the mammoth pornography
and advertising industries should lead to one of those “duh” moments!).
Still others have been pleased with the way boys or men seemed to be
attracted to them when they dress less modestly, and they continue to
dress immodestly to attract a boyfriend or husband. (Many women have
been bitterly disappointed in marriages to men they attracted by
dressing immodestly!)
Most men find it very difficult to believe that women who wear short
skirts, low-cut blouses, very tight clothing, etc. are innocent and are
not trying to seduce men to lust after them. That’s because men know how
men think and find it very difficult to believe that women really might
not realize how men think!
Sometimes moms of young girls have never come to grips with this subject
themselves (or have lived in denial in order to dress “the way they want
to dress”). Sometimes they just don’t think it’s “worth the fight” to
insist that their daughters dress more modestly. They may even encourage
their young daughters to dress inappropriately. It is even more
difficult for these girls to realize how strongly they may be used by
Satan as a source of temptation for boys and men.
Women must learn to ask, “Does the way I dress draw attention to my
spirit (and to the Lord Jesus Christ)? Or to my body in such a way as to
entice men and boys to lust?” If in doubt, ask a godly older woman, or
perhaps even better, a godly man—like a dad.
Q.
If I
change the way I dress, won’t people think I’m weird?
A.
Maybe. The
Bible says many times that Christians are to be different from the
world. We are a “peculiar people.” We are to be “holy” (meaning “set
apart for God’s purposes”).
But there are many women who have learned to dress in very attractive
ways that do not draw attention to their bodies and they look great!
Beauty is so much more than “looking sexy!”
We must simply decide on who it is we really want to please.
(back to
top)
The Way You Talk
Q.
What is
the real problem with using a bit of profanity now and then to make a
point?
A.
The Bible
is very plain about this subject.
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a
word as is good for edification according to the need of the
moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)
”But do not let
immorality or any impurity or greed even be named among you, as is
proper among saints;
and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting,
which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.” (Ephesians 5:3-4)
”But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy,
filthy communication out of your mouth.” (Colossians 3:8)
Q.
What’s
wrong with just saying some words if I don’t really mean anything by
them?
A.
Jesus
said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matthew
12:34). Words do mean things. And words, according to Jesus, communicate
the intent of our hearts. Not only that, but the Bible indicates that
one of the characteristics of unbelievers is that their mouth is full of
cursing. (Romans 3:14) When we speak words that are profane or filthy,
we become like them.
Q.
Doesn’t
using a swear word every now and then make me sound more mature, more
determined, and more serious?
A.
Actually it’s exactly the opposite. People who can’t seem to think of
anything to say but a swear word make themselves look childish (any
child can quickly learn to swear) and uncreative. (“I can’t think of
anything intelligent to say, so I’ll show my lack of creativity and
swear.”) Many people are totally turned off by swearing. To us, it shows
a lack of self control, a bad attitude, disrespect, lack of character,
hostility, and laziness. (It doesn’t take any mental energy to utter a
swear word.)
Q. Won’t I fit into my
group better if I show I’m not afraid to use a few swear words?
A. Which
group do you want to fit into? The godly Christians you may know will
certainly not be the group you fit into! The way we use language is one
significant way that people can tell Christians from unbelievers.
Q. Isn’t it possible that
by using some swear words I can “become all things to all men” (1
Corinthians 9:22) and maybe bring them to Christ?
A.
That’s like saying I need to go rob a bank so I can lead bank robbers to
the Lord. Or I need to kill somebody so I can lead murderers to the
Lord. Or I need to be a liar so I can lead liars to the Lord. It’s true,
we should try to behave in such a way that lost people can identify with
us, but not to the point of sin! The lost will never come to the Lord if
they think we are no different than they are! The Bible emphases the
need for Christians to speak with a consistent mouth. “Out of the same
mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought
not so to be!” (James 3:10)
(back to
top)
The Music You Listen To
Q.
What’s
wrong with listening to secular music?
A.
Some
secular music is innocent enough. Some secular music even communicates
Biblical principles about love and relationships. But some secular music
contains very wicked, ungodly, and even blasphemous lyrics.
And, if given the choice, why wouldn’t a Christian prefer to listen to
music that has good Biblical, spiritually uplifting, true lyrics?
Q.
But isn’t
it ok to listen to music if I like the sound and the beat and just don’t
pay attention to the words?
A.
Again,
words do mean things. And our subconscious mind can and does absorb
messages that we are not consciously paying attention to.
Q.
Is it ok
to listen to some songs by a group if some of the songs they sing are ok
and some are not ok?
A.
Think
about what the group stands for. If a group takes an anti-Biblical stand
and represents everything opposed to Christianity (e.g., lawlessness,
immorality, violence, profanity, etc.), it makes sense that a person
wanting to live a godly life in Christ Jesus would avoid them, even if
they sing some “decent” songs.
What would you think if you saw me carefully going through a bucket of
vomit? You might say, “What on earth are you doing?” And suppose I were
to reply, “Well, I think there may be some valuable chunks of undigested
food in here. I’m just trying to find the good stuff!”
To try to find the “good stuff” put out by some groups you have to first
sort through their bucket of vomit. Pretty disgusting, isn’t it?
Q.
But what
if I really love and crave the sound this group makes?
A.
First of
all, make sure the music of this group hasn’t become an idol in your
life! Any thought that God might not be pleased with something in my
life should quickly lead me to be willing to sacrifice it for Him!
Not only that, but we are blessed to live in a day that there are many
Christian singers and groups with many different “sounds” that appeal to
a large variety of people. If you are willing to look around a bit, you
can almost certainly find a group that sounds good to you!
Q.
But won’t
people think I’m weird if I quit listening to a group that they think is
cool and I always listened to before?
A.
Maybe.
The Bible says many times that Christians are to be different from the
world. We are a “peculiar people.” We are to be “holy” (meaning “set
apart for God’s purposes”).
We must simply decide on who it is we really want to please.
(back
to top)
The People You Hang Out With
Q.
What’s
wrong with having friends that are not strong Christians?
A. It depends on
what you mean by “friends.” The Bible warns us, “Do not be deceived:
"Bad company corrupts good morals." (1 Corinthians 15:33) and “He that
walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools
shall be destroyed.” (Proverbs 13:20)
On the other hand, we need to reach out in a friendly fashion to lost
people and weak Christians to try to encourage them to make good
decisions.
Probably the balance is for me to make sure my best friends (the people
I trust the most and share with the most and the people I spend the most
time with) are strong godly Christians. These kinds of friends will help
me make good decisions.
Q.
If I already have strong friendships with people who are
making bad decisions, do I have to break off all relationships with
them?
A.
If you decide to do the right thing, you may find they
will break off relationships with you! This is not a pleasant process!
One of the most difficult things in life is saying to a friend, “I’ve
given my life to the Lord Jesus Christ, and for His sake, I’m not going
to do such-and-such.” But it pays such powerful dividends! It spares you
the consequences of wrong decisions and, at the same time, makes you a
stronger person! If we are not willing to make these kinds of tough
choices, we will eventually find ourselves paying a terrible price with
huge, lifetime regrets.
Another key is to make sure you are working to establish friendships
with people who are making better decisions. Get involved with Christian
groups! Go where the Christians are! You’ll quickly discover that the
best and strongest friendships are usually between two committed
Christians who both love the Lord!
Q.
Isn’t it ok to hang out with my old non-Christian friends
if I make a commitment not to let them change my Christian beliefs?
A.
Here’s a great quote by Steve Fitzhugh, former Denver
Bronco football player:
“But be
very selective about who you spend time with. Show me who you hang out
with, and I can tell you what you’ll become. You might say, “Well, I’m
not influenced easily by my friends.” You’re influenced more easily than
you believe. The fact is that we’re surrounded by influences. If you
have a friend who puts a cigarette in your face, or is putting a beer in
your face, or wants you to do some drugs, they’re not your
friend. Choose people who really want you to be the absolute best that
you can be”
The Bottom Line
Who do you want people to think about when they see
you?—How cool you are? How sexy you look? How intelligent you are? How
much you remind them of a rock music star or a movie star? How tough you
are? How independent you are?
Or do you want to remind them of Jesus?
There really is a choice to make. You really can’t have
it both ways!
Choose Jesus!
Steve Hall
August, 2005
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